so i officially dont get life anymore. sure no one can fully understand all of it...but i dont get how it allows certain ppl to be happy..while others have to just slither their way through life. im sick of it..im sick of seeing so many ppl happy..yes there are those that deserve it...and im happy that those that do have found it. but im sick of seeing all those who..through their actions...dont really deserve any at all. its such bull. im sick of always being the one to bring so many others happiness....im sick of being the one to introduce ppl..and bring about more happiness...all i ever seem to do is bring happiness to ppl. if your down..come to cal..he will make everything all better. thats how my life has been. ive always been the go-to guy if you needed an emotional boost. which i find comepletely ironic. because im always sad. its truely pathetic. i am always sad. sure everyone thinks im happy 100% of the time....but thats what i want them to see....i call it my little mask...and i have it on allll the time. but im sick of having to wear this mask. id like for once..to actually be happy. i want to taste the happiness i see everyone else endulging in. i want to taste the happiness that i deliver to so many...why cant i partake in that which i deal out.........its all i want... in the past 5 years..i can remember maybe...3-5 moments of actually happiness.....yes moments..not days..not weeks..but a mere moment..lasting no more than a night...but whats funny..in thinking about those moments..they were always followed by sadness. i wasnt allowed to just take that happiness in..enjoy it..remember it...something always happens to shatter that happiness...... . . . . . . .im so sick of it...dont get me wrong..im not going to stop being me..im not going to stop bringing happiness to anyone that needs it...just...i wish i could taste some...for once...taste it and savor it...not taste it and spit it back out.... . . . .and to anyone that may actually make it through all this blabbering..im sorry for having wasted your time..i just needed to get thoughts out..i needed to try to compile the randomness going through my mind.... . . be happy everyone..enjoy it once you find it...dont let it go...